The Splendor of Aging: A Deeper Dive
Stories & Experiences from Four Local Women
By Angela Miller
For the Fall/Winter Issue of Taylored Living, I had the privilege of interviewing four women on aging, life, and lessons they’ve learned in the process. Upon completion of my interviews with these women, I was blown away by the depth of what I learned from each of them. There was so much beauty and vulnerability in what they shared. I knew that there would be no easy way to compile their stories into a short magazine article. As the author, I wanted to make sure to accurately represent each woman and honor their stories. TLM’s editor, Brittany, and I both agreed that this “original draft” of my article should become a blog post for readers to see a fuller picture of these women and the beauty, love, tragedy, and lessons they’ve experienced throughout their years on this earth. While some of this information was obviously included in my article for the Fall/Winter issue, I hope that you enjoy this expanded story of four beautiful women in our community. Each of them brings a refreshing perspective to aging and a reminder of what is truly important in our lives.
Danika Whitsett, 24
Although Danika had spent most of her youth in the Tri-Cities, adventure always called to her. She has lived in California, Arizona, Virginia, and Florida. Before life took her out of Washington, Danika was approaching the end of high school when she proudly discovered her fluid sexuality; she felt much more attracted to personality over gender. However, the real challenge was felt as she considered what to do after high school. There was a pressure to adhere to the path of many of her peers and attend a fancy university, which she eventually gave into. While she was attending Grand Canyon University in Phoenix, she and a couple of her friends were in a terrible car accident that left her paralyzed from the waist down. As she tried to come to grips with this huge change in lifestyle, her priorities shifted. While still in the hospital, Danika’s girlfriend of five months proposed to her. There was a small piece of fear – fear that no other person would love her now because of her disability – that pushed her to say yes, but ultimately Danika was in love and said yes for the right reasons. Being with loved ones is one of the most important aspects of life, a concept Danika always believed in, but even more so after her accident. Although it turned out to be a short-lived marriage, it provided Danika with many life lessons and clarity of her wants and needs moving forward.
Since then, her priorities shifted. Instead of letting herself be guided by other people’s thoughts of her, she has learned to set clear boundaries with others and how to stop being a “people pleaser” all the time. The mental strain of adapting to her new life in a chair, combined with her lack of previous boundaries and people’s unwarranted “help,” she could feel her mental health declining. She reevaluated a lot of her relationships and realized there were a handful of friends who did not show her the respect she deserved, some of which even stemmed before her accident. Danika knew it was time to set boundaries; she quickly learned to communicate her needs clearly. Danika has also set clear goals for herself that reflect her true wants and needs; “the sky is the limit,” she shared with a big smile. While getting her career established and paying attention to new things like eating healthy and working out more do come into play as she ages, she is excited for her future. Although her disability presents greater obstacles than those of your average 24 year old, her hopes, dreams, and outlook on aging are pretty similar to any woman in their 20s! She has recently put down some roots in San Diego with her boyfriend, Dom, and looks forward to the idea of marriage, buying a house, expanding her social media platform, and furthering her involvement with the Rollettes, a wheelchair dance team based out of LA.
If Danika could give her younger self some advice it would be to stop seeking validation from others, make her voice heard, and open up more about her feelings.
Chloe Butterworth, 37
Chloe is a mom to four children and two soon-to-be step-children. Having a blended family as well as co-parenting 50/50 with past partners has not always been easy, but has provided eye-opening lessons about doing what’s best for your children. When asked what she was most self-conscious about as she aged, Chloe said that it was the idea of “thinking I need to follow someone else’s idea of where I need to be [with my life and family].” In the early years of motherhood, her early to mid 20s, those thoughts weighed heavily on her mind. While she was trying to focus on her family, she also felt the pressure to make it look and be a certain way.
After struggling with an eating disorder in high school, being a young single mother in her 20s, and experiencing other traumas in her high school and college days, it was evident to her that she needed to take ownership of her own life and experiences. She has experienced love, marriage, and casual relationships, which have all given her the beautiful children she has today, but those relationships did not allow her to live fully or heal from past traumas. Putting in the hard work to help herself heal has served Chloe well; she attributes her better parenting skills to this healing journey. Through her personal journey, Chloe has discovered her true self, and recognized that everyone has a past that they’re trying to build upon and move forward from. At this current stage in her life, she said, “staying connected to myself has probably been the most valuable [lesson]... we don’t have to be what people tell us to be.”
Chloe, now happily engaged to her fiancé, Josh, has been able to shift her mindset from what a family “should” look like, to what it is: a beautiful, messy blend of past and present all coming together to build something new. While she pours her passion for design into her home staging business, Butterworth Redesign, she hopes to one day finish her midwifery schooling, something that gave her new perspectives on topics such a feminism. These days her focus is on her children and creating individual time with each one of them every week. In the next decade of her life, she is looking forward to redoing her home, traveling, and setting up college funds for her kids, while also teaching them about finances and responsibility. She looks forward to becoming self-reliant, even with a partner by her side, and plans on continuing to heal.
If Chloe could give her younger self some advice, she would say, “Don’t be afraid of messing up or doing things differently [...] Embrace failure and keep going. Don’t ever stop, unless you’re stopping to just live in the moment...then keep going!”
Janie DeHaan, 62
Janie was born in Mexico where she lived for about eight years with her family before moving to Texas to become migrant workers. Janie always had a love of learning but had to drop out after the 6th grade because her parents needed her to contribute to the family by working. Eventually her family made their way to Washington when Janie was around 18 years old. At 19, Janie took a chance on love and eloped with her self-described “knight in shining armor,” Tim. While Janie and Tim grew their family and had four beautiful children, Janie became a US citizen and furthered her education by getting her GED and AA. She also began working on her bachelor's degree but soon after, her husband became ill. Tim passed away in 2016 and three years later Janie was diagnosed with stomach cancer. She had to undergo chemotherapy and surgery in order to finally land herself in remission. After chemo treatments she recalled pacing the halls of her home reciting Psalm 23 to keep her mind off the nausea; Janie is a firm believer that hardships can make you stronger and faith in God can get you through tough times.
The love in Janie's voice was palpable when she spoke of her husband, children, and grandchildren. Her favorite part about being in this stage of her life is having the beautiful memories of her husband and the life that they built together. Despite the many tribulations she has faced, her outlook and positivity about life is astounding. She said that she looks at difficulties and says, "Okay, what can I learn from this?" There is a lesson within all struggles. Janie acknowledged that as she’s aged she has to be aware of her physical limitations but also recognizes the need to stay healthy and strong for her children and grandchildren. In the next decade of her life, Janie is looking forward to continuing learning, something she believes keeps people young. Specific hobbies she is studying include sign language and piano. She’s also looking forward to spending more time with her children and grandchildren.
If Janie could give her younger self some advice it would be “don’t worry about monetary things; don’t worry about wealth – because at the end of the day you’re still not a millionaire. [...] Time with your kids is much more important [...] at the end of your life, time that you didn’t spend with your kids will haunt you.”
Miss Arlene Callahan, 87
Miss Arlene was born in Brooklyn, NY and lived in Queens during her childhood with her parents and younger sister. As a child, her family spent summers in Bay Park. She recalls her mother explicitly explaining that it was only possible to do so because “Daddy can still take the train into [the city for] work;” her mother made sure she and her sister knew they were not extremely wealthy. In 1955, she married Larry, the love of her life, whose job would take her on many adventures to places like Kingston, Syracuse, Chicago, Long Island, and eventually the Tri-Cities. They welcomed five beautiful children into their family and lived primarily in Syracuse while they raised their kids. In 1991 Larry got a job in Tri-Cities, WA but Miss Arlene was hesitant to join him at first, largely because she was working a job she absolutely loved. It wasn’t until 1994 that she finally sold her New York home, left her grown children behind, and joined her husband in Kennewick. Sometime later, Larry was diagnosed with cancer. When it was clear that it was terminal, he begged her to sell their Kennewick home and move back to Syracuse to be closer to some of their children. She remembers that conversation clearly. She looked her husband straight in the eye and said she would not move back; she told him that all these years they’ve taken care of each other and that she expects that he will do the same for her even if he’s not here anymore. As she turned to leave the room he said, “I’ll try.” To this day she feels his presence guiding her through different life situations. Arlene shared that it is sometimes difficult to see the bigger picture but that God always has a plan. Since her husband’s passing in 2002, Miss Arlene has made countless connections with people in the community and always seems to find people who are also from New York. Although she’s able to strike up a conversation with anyone, she especially loves the conversations she has with others about New York!
While in previous decades of her life her children were always the priority, she now enjoys being “footloose and fancy free,” as she puts it. She enjoys her freedom and the ability to go and do whatever she wants, when she wants. It was acknowledged that there was a learning curve in terms of handling various difficulties that arise, ones she had never previously had to take care of on her own, like figuring out car troubles or knowing how to best invest her money – things her husband had typically taken care of. Although Miss Arlene does not enjoy having to figure everything out on her own, she realizes that there is no sense in worrying and to just get it done. Along the way, she’s always able to make a new connection with someone, giving her the ability to be a great problem solver for others. If you need something, Miss Arlene typically knows someone who can help! She believes that if people are able to, they help out (or know someone who can). “It’s yes or no and you don’t know until you ask,” she recalls. “If it’s a yes, you say thank you. If it’s a no, you say thank you.” She is a firm believer in treating people kindly, whether they receive that kindness in a positive way or not – always be kind.
Recently, her scoliosis has proven to be her most difficult challenge as she has aged, yet she still feels very blessed to be able to get around and be as active as she still is. When asked what her secret is to staying young, she responded, “I just do it!” She goes out, socializes, enjoys herself and tries to keep her worries to a minimum.
When asked what advice she would give to her younger self, she said, “Don’t worry so much.” While it is difficult to see the bigger picture when all you can see is the current problem in front of you, things have a way of working themselves out.
This is an extension of Angela Miller’s article “The Splendor of Aging,” which appeared in our Fall/Winter 2022 issue.